With the advent of the "disappearance" of our resident headline-basher, I decided to take a gander at this gaff for once. I didn't need to look any further than cnn.com for the horrific headlines that are transmitted to millions of viewers daily. The jokes practically write themselves. After reading the headlines and the articles they link to, it became readily apparent to me that these articles have little or NOTHING to do with anything of value or importance. Which makes them funny to me.

Dearest Friend,

You know I love you. I value your opinions. I respect your ability to interpret and comprehend.

This time though, you go too far.

I signed in to gmail this morning and this is the e-mail I received from my friend.

Most of you don't know this about me: I am a certified gender expert.

It's true. I have been through 25 years of training. I have the emotional (and sometimes physical) scars to prove it. Throughout my life, I have always had some sort of vaginal and/or penile energy, influencing my decisions. For instance, yesterday I contemplated buying a new shirt because I have no clothes since I am too lazy to do laundry. This is a pretty common scenario for men. So I walked in to the GAP right outside of my office and perused the store. Immediately I went to the sale rack, and found a couple shirts that I was certainly not crazy about, but then again I rarely get "crazy" about an outfit. That particular emotion is reserved for the vageenis'. Back to my story. So I was about to buy these shirts that probably would have given me a summer or two at best. As I went up to the line to pay, the penile influence of my father was shouting in my ear "Don't do it. You need to start saving money. You don't need those shirts. Wear your clothes until they have holes in them and THEN you can go shopping." So, I put the clothes back on the rack. Penis: 1. Vageenis: 0.

Earlier this morning, I typed in to the google search engine "mens haircut" and clicked on the images button. While some of the images that appeared were of a man with hair, most of the images are of "other things." My favorite of these easter eggs I actually had to edit for the viewing public. If you REALLY want the unedited version just type in "mens haircut" yourself. Here is what came up:

This morning, I tuned into CNN while sucking down the oblig cup of Joe. As I listened to the reporter purport his scripted view on this segment, I grabbed my box of chiclets and popped one in. As I read the warning label on the box of chiclets, my reality was swept away by the mixture of caffeine, sugar-free gum, and the flourescent voice of a reporter at 8 in the morning. I found myself within my own dream, reporting live for CNN....

Normally, I wouldn't blog about something I wrote on someone else's blog, but I thought this post from my friend Larry, coupled with my response, was too funny to leave unrepeated.

10,000 days. 1 smile.

In todays NY Times, there was an article about AIDS prevention in Africa. There was a new study conducted that found a direct correlation between HIV infections and uncircumcised men. I'll say that again in less words: You gotta clip your dick if you don't want AIDS.

Although Guiliani did an unprecedented job of cleaning up the streets of New York in the past decade(+), there is and always will be a constant source of irritation for people working or living in the city.

Earth day. Saturday morning.

I was in a van with my co-workers, on my way to a softball tournament. As is usually the case, I was overtly attending to my duties of being an annoyance to my friend, Jen. My diligent efforts at pissing her off were creeping towards a mission of success.