What do Joe Camel and Santa have in common? The government has banned them both and for the same reason... well almost. The New York State Liquor Authority has banned 6 beers from being sold this holiday season. The reason? The labels are too warm and cheery, and the SLA thinks that they may entice underage drinkers to buy it. Ummm. OK. Remember the days of underage drinking? Getting your brother or sister to run to the liquor store for you? Or getting your freakishly hairy 18 year old friend to give it a shot? What was it that we were after? Bud, Coors, Natty Ice or anything cheap enough to get the most beer for your buck. Did any of us say: "Hey I want to spend $5 or $6 A BOTTLE for an imported German Dopplebock? or $5 to $6 A BOTTLE on a domestic Nut Brown Pale Ale?" Are you kidding me with this? Santa and his elves appeal to toddlers and adults alike. But teenagers? What do teenagers think about? Sex, Sex, Food, Sex, Sleep, Sex, Sex, Homework, Sex. And what is the number one image we see over and over again in beer commercials? Hot women, hot guys, boobs, butts, and twins. But put Santa on a label? Outrageous!!! Scandalous!! Think of the children!

Someone needs to tell the SLA a few things. One: Stop attacking small business and claiming a victory for the fight against underage drinking. You haven't won anything, but you've lost a great deal of respect. Two: Go buy a nice 32oz $6 bottle of Rudolph's Revenge and shove it up your ass. Maybe then your anal retentive outlook on "reality" will loosen a bit. Three: I'm heading into Jersey this weekend and buying one of each bottle you banned. I will be encouraging my friends to do the same. Four: I'm going to drink said beer, and sleep with your 19 year old daughter, while screaming HO! HO! HO! Meeeery Christmas! Because we all know what she really wants for Christmas is to spite YOU, and I'll be more than happy to oblige her (Of course now that I'm in my thirties I realize that last joke might be in more poor taste than usual, but I'm mad, so who deal with it.)

We all need to step back and realize that teenagers drink for a multitude of reasons, and a cute label on a high quality micro brew isn't one of them. They drink because they want to fit in, they drink because they hate themselves, they drink because they can't stand their parents, and they drink, and they drink, but never once do they care what's on the label of what they're drinking. You want to stop underage drinking, give your damn kid a hug every once in a while, and stop trying to change the world outside your home, because after all, your home is where the most change is needed, and where change is most valuable. Merry Christmas.