First of all, since it's summer, my first advice to you is: Stay the hell away from bars that you have to 'muscle' up to. It's hot enough without having to rub elbows with meatheads just for a friggin' beer. Secondly, never, ever, under any circumstances, should you order a drink called the "single tear," "clown on a swing," or a "pink slipper." If you're looking for the new "black," I'd suggest the Mohito (but only if you're in a Brazilian, Mexican or otherwise Latino bar, otherwise it'll be made wrong, and it's just a lame drink that people at Señor Frog's order.) If you're not in one of the above places, there's a few suggestions (all of which depend on the time of day you order it.)

1. (Dawn to Noon): Screwdriver, you can never go wrong with the screwdriver before noon. Case closed. (Bloody Mary's are for hangovers ONLY)
2. (Noon to Dusk): Daytime drinks are the best (see Sunday Funday with Me and B.) Some of our favorites include the Gin & Tonic, or a Corona (Summer time only!) If you're a fan of Vodka and Whiskey, you can never go wrong with a Sour.
3. (Dusk): Tequila Sunrise. Just a cool ass drink to have when the sun's going down and you happen to be on a rooftop bar. If you're not on a rooftop bar when the sun goes down, get to one.
4. (Dusk to Midnight): Anyone's game, but it helps to keep an eye on what the ladies are drinking, If the women you're with are drinking girlie drinks, stick to beer (they'll thank you later.) If your not with any women, stick with beer (they'll thank you later.) Some good ones during the summer are Corona, any IPA, and Bass.
5. (Midnight to Her Place): Nothing says "hot summer night," like "hot summer sex." If you've been with me since step one, congrats, but I'd be on water right about now.
6. There is no rule 6
7. (Her Place to Your Door): If she's ugly: a screwdriver at home. If she's fat: A bloody Mary at home. If she's neither, Breakfast at Tiffany's, and brunch with her friends. Good job soldier.

Dave and I haven't seen each other in about a month and a half, so I'm reduced to imparting my brotherly wisdom on WC. I hope you all learned a thing or two. There are of course many, many more things that could've been added here, but I'm at work and I should attempt to actually do some.

Daytime (brunch style) - Screwdrivers.  You shouldn't have more than 6 before switching to beer or something.
Dusk - switch between Bud Light, Pilser, Stella.  The rule is cheap domestic stuff (to stay more sober) or a imported beer with a cool sounding name.  Corona fits the criteria.
Night - wild turkey on the rocks with a splash of ginger (sounds cool but you smell like a whino.  Be sure to bring gum), Jack and coke, captain and ginger.  Use the K.I.S.S principle.  Keep It Simple Stupid.  The key is getting these drinks in a pint glass with a single shot (besides the Turkey on the rocks of course).  It will take you longer to drink, hence you have more staying power.

I'm done.  You have all the info that you need.  I will expect my usual consulting fee of $200 dollars to be paid no later than 2020.

Thank God! So I can finally come out of the closet! (Wine closet that is. Ahem.)