Scientists, put down that sample! After thousands of years, the debate is finally over. The eternal question that has plagued the minds of philosophers, scientists, and theologians alike has finally been answered.

Hallelujah!

At approximately 4:47pm EST (depending on the rotation of the sun....ahem...the Earth around the sun) David Johnson was sitting in his cubicle at work when he received a revelation from God.

"I was shocked when it came to me. Why was I chosen? What should I do? Who am I to be so lucky? In any event, it's clear that God chose me for his own divine reasons so you should probably listen to me. I don't know why he does it either."

David said that the words came down like a "swarm of flies descending on rhinocerous [expletive deleted]."

"It was unlike anything I've ever experienced," the prophet continued "I was just sitting there when I felt this overwhelming sense of fullness and bloating."

"At first I thought it was gas, but upon further inspection I realized I crapped about an hour ago, and every man knows that once you take a huge dunker like this one, it's over for the day, so it couldnt have been that."

And thats when it happened.

"God told me that he wants the people to know that he doesn't exist. That it was all a big practical joke played by his twin brother jorgon and the joke has gone on long enough. So stop believing in him now."

"Was that all he said to you?" this reporter asked.

"Basically, yeah," prophet Johnson continued, "I mean we joked about the cold war and the first girl I gave chlamydia too, but it was nothing out of the ordinary. Typical guy stuff."

And then he was just "gone," Prophet DJ explained.

"Up and vanished like a fart in the wind."

-Warden Norton