No, you read that right. I just turned twenty. I refuse to turn thirty, so I'm doing my twenties over again. But then again, as I look back over my twenties, I realized something: Why on earth would I want to be twenty again? My twenties SUCKED! Holy crap I'm so glad I'm thirty. Thirty is going to be a great year... My last few days as a twenty something were amazing, but the first few days as a thirty something have been much, much better. Ahhh the joys of turning 30,  I woke up, got dressed, and went out to dinner, then I went to a bar, drank tequila after tequila, and almost got punched in the face by an ex-linebacker for the New York Giants... come to think of it, my first day as a thirty year old was exactly like the first day as a twenty year old! Haha, ten years and I haven't learned a goddamn thing.  But having making it out of my twenties alive, I'd like to share some of the lessons I've learned:

• Never talk politics or religion on a first date... EVER.
• Always have one hand on the ejection seat and the other on the throttle. An escape hatch is worth it's weight in gold and Tom Cruise has become a shitty wingman these days.
• "I was drunk" is not a valid excuse for anything. EVER.  Never give it or accept it.
• Have someone else go through your wardrobe and summarily toss everything ugly. You'd be amazed with how few clothes you own that are actually in style. (No I was not coerced into saying that one, I truly believe it.)
• There is never an excuse to wear a Hawaiian shirt.
• If a woman says she's "OK" but clearly isn't, for the love of god and all things holy, leave it alone. You don't want to know.
• Roses and flowers are the worst apology gift ever. They just scream "I fucked up bad, but this is the best thing I could think of."
• Once you pass twenty-five you must throw out all shot glasses that have anything printed on them. No excuses.
• If you're under twenty-five, the only time it's acceptable to have shot glasses with anything printed on them is if you are in fact a virgin.
• If you haven't fought the establishment by the time you're twenty, then you have no heart. If you haven't joined the establishment by the time your thirty, then you have no brains.
• Learn about, and be able to speak intelligently about at least three or four types of wine that don't come in a box.
• There's a subtle difference between hot and beautiful. You fuck hot, and date beautiful.
• Friends help you move, good friends help you move bodies.
• Boxer shorts are for teenage boys and eighty year old men.
• For both men and women: Never shop for clothes with members of the same sex.  That's how men end up with shirts that say "Federal Booby Inspector" and women end up with capri pants (i.e. tom saywer's pants) and tube tops (i.e. breast smooshers.)
• No one is worth sacrificing personal happiness. NO ONE. If you're not good enough without them, you'll never be good enough with them.

I have a ton more but I'll save them for another time. Here's to ten more years of ignorant bliss, drama and drunken fun. Thanks to everyone who showed up at my "surprise" birthday party.